Our Great American Insanity has blessed us with things to talk about before. This latest episode, however, has implications so gross that it’s difficult to find the words to address it.

With the popularity of Death Cheers these past two weeks, it has become clear that the Republican party is exactly what “radical liberals” have long suspected them to be. A mob of faux patriots, they do not have the slightest idea of what it means to be an American, let alone what it means to be a Christian. 

American Freedom is not about roaming alone on the side of the road in the middle of the night, waiting to get mowed down by a freight truck, as Ron Paul would have you believe. American Freedom is about existing freely with the comfort of knowing that the truck will see your reflectors and move to the side. 

That is what health insurance is: A reflector in the dark. Lest these imbeciles forget… If an uninsured American ends up in the hospital, who do you think is footing the bill? People who, with their freedom, choose not to buy health insurance are a burden on the insured, who shell out, on average, $1,017 a year in premiums to cover them.

The state of mind that has you believe a fellow human being should die simply because they aren’t rich enough has no place in the United States of America. 

Republicans should be flattered when we call them mentally ill. The alternative is that they are evil, disgusting people who wouldn’t reach out a hand to stop you from falling if it would strain their wrist. 

By Olivia Nuzzi

Scheduled to brief the media from recently scorched Bastrop County, Texas Saturday, Mr. Frontrunner instead ran from his responsibility. He ran to Austin, according to his spokeswoman Allison Castle. He didn’t want to make everybody wait, according to another spokeswoman Catherine Frazier. His dog ate his car, according to Mr. Perry himself.

His office neglected to inform reporters that he would be absent from the event, surely giving the local officials who took over the press conference a taste of what it must feel like to be Perry the Lone Star.

“Hey man, who am I, the Governor?” Well, yeah, but don’t let it get you down. To the grownups and buttoned-ups, this may look like Less Than Presidential behavior. To the kids, however, it’s no big thing. He didn’t start the fire (cue Billy Joel), and he sure as hell can’t stop it, so what’s the fuss?

In a stunning display of dumb luck, Mr. Perry has accidentally stumbled into the most brilliant play for the youth vote that the Republican party has ever seen. The stuffy they are on his back, too. Bush 3.0 is speaking to the Conscienceless Kids because he is one. 

Word to Camp Obama: Never underestimate the power of a pretty cheerleader. 

By Olivia Nuzzi