Originally published in the TriCityNews the week of October 8th, 2012

In reference to the nomination of Warren G. Harding in 1920, legendary columnist H.L Mencken stated, “on some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

Too bad Mencken wasn’t around for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. 

While not a moron, Christie is an undeniable failure. New Jersey’s unemployment now stands at a disastrous 9.9%, and with U.S. unemployment at a 44-month low of 7.8%, it’s over a quarter above above the national average. 

Beyond our sky-high unemployment, there’s our $282 billion debt - the fourth-highest in the nation. One out of every twelve mortgages in New Jersey are in the foreclosure stage, the  second highest percentage of mortgage loans in foreclosure in the country. 

Meanwhile, we had a 15% drop in state revenue from the prior fiscal year, which runs from June 30 to June 30. If Christie wants to cover his $254 million June revenue shortfall, fiscal year 2013 would have to see an impossible 8.2% growth in revenue. 

All of this has happened while Christie, like many an American would, has focused solely on appearance. 

In an effort to look like a hard-assed fiscal conservative, the governor used inflated cost estimates to justify canceling plans for the ARC rail tunnel to Manhattan, which would have created tens of thousands of construction jobs. With the same objective, he has cut women’s health funding, state aid to schools, legal services for the poor and higher education scholarships for low-income students. 

But when the spending is for Christie or his wealthy donors, fiscal conservatism goes out the window. 

The Governor spent the summer advocating a 10% income tax cut, which would cost an estimated $10 billion and save the average NJ family just $80.50 while saving millionaires at least $7,265. Christie spent $300,000 of taxpayer dollars on radio advertisements in Illinois which aimed to lure businesses to the Garden State. Not a single businesses relocated. The Governor also spent $260 million in state money on the Revel casino, all to create a mere 4,000 jobs.

Governor Christie’s performance has indeed been consistently poor (though not as poor as 15% of New Jersey’s children below the poverty line!). So it’s perplexing as to why the hell anybody likes him, and how the hell anybody could take him seriously… Until you consider that he is one of the people Mencken prophesied. 

We have settled on Chris Christie not because he is best, but because he is easiest for us to understand. Mencken certainly couldn’t have seen Honey Boo Boo coming. He thought we were heading to just the George W. Bush types. Yet Bush carried a veneer of dynastic legitimacy which made him too governmental to have real authenticity.

Tabloids frequently set out to convince us that celebrities are “JUST LIKE US!” The idea that those whom so many idolize are flawed, as we are - or, even better, worse than we are - is comforting. It acts to not only make us feel better about ourselves, but to convince us that we are that close to a noteworthy life, too. 

The humanizing and knocking-down of public figures is equivalent to the ego-reinforcement you see all over social media. You and Ashton Kutcher can have the same kind of Twitter account. Your 140 character thoughts are just as important as his are.

Americans won’t rest until there is someone just like them presiding over them. Which more than explains the allure of someone like Sarah Palin. 

Palin didn’t remember third grade-level American history, making her just slightly dumber than your average US citizen. This idea of “If someone dumber than me is one melanoma away from the presidency, think of how important I could be” is an addicting one. It seems our self-esteem gets higher when the IQ’s of our public figures get lower. 

And again, that’s not to say that Chris Christie’s an idiot, because there’s no indication that he is. He’s just inadequate. And really, aren’t most Americans? It would be nice, for once, to see somebody who has got absolutely no business being anywhere near the Oval Office - no great war record, no great family legacy, no great governing history, no great philosophical mind - get a shot. 

We’ve already allowed this theory to take hold of Hollywood, with shows like American Idol and The X Factor, where your average drooling hick gets a chance to be the next Justin Timberlake or whatever. So it’s only a matter of time before it has been completely extended to the Other Great Pillar of American Power - Washington. 

Governor Christie is quick to sacrifice the state to save face, and that has led him to ruin New Jersey’s economy exactly like any slightly amoral, self-obsessed American would. In doing so, he has proven that he is the sort of leader the United States has been working towards for decades, just like Mencken warned. 

Originally published in the TriCityNews the week of September 10th, 2012

With both conventions now belonging to the ages - or at least mercifully in the rearview mirror - whose speeches proved to have any shelf-life at all?

Whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat, a fan of Dirty Harry or a booster of Bubba, your list is likely to be pretty short and likely to include all or some of only these names: Clint Eastwood, Clint Eastwood’s Invisible Friend, Clint Eastwood’s Chair, Bill Clinton, Ann Romney, Julian Castro, and maybe, maybe, the two candidates.

Not two weeks since the Republicans belatedly banged the gavel in Tampa, most of the other speakers at both events have already vanished without trace into the vast void of convention history. They and their verbiage float in some timeless gulag of political purgatory along with the Democrats’ keynote speakers in 1996 and 2000 (any idea who they were? We’ll get back to them later).

And while Condoleezza Rice and Representative Kelly Ayotte and AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka may be just coming to the realization that their remarks amounted to little more than a fist punched into a pail of water, none of them were expected to vault on to the stage, command a convention arena with their presence, win a permanent place in the political dialogue of a country, and then do double somersaults on the way out.

Chris Christie was.

The damage isn’t necessarily permanent: Bill Clinton was essentially booed off the stage at the 1988 convention by many of the same Democrats who orgasmically embraced him just four years later, and who last week dreamed of repealing the 22nd amendment and nominating him again in 2016. But for a big, resounding, shoot-yourself-in-the-foot missed opportunity, it’s hard to compare anybody’s failure to the one achieved by New Jersey’s bombastic governor.

Republicans who were willing to enthusiastically buy Rudy Giuliani and Sarah Palin in the same convention in 2008 just didn’t seem to be able to make anything out of Christie’s Keynote in 2012. It’s not that they disliked him. They weren’t like the Democrats of 24 years ago pointing at their watches as Clinton droned on and on. They were just inert in his presence.

It may have been that Christie’s by-now familiar Phineas T. Bluster routine just doesn’t work on a stage that is either figuratively or literally larger than a press conference (or the now just-as-familiar deranged outbursts at passersby). For all of the transformation of politics by television and the internet, there is still a lot to the theory that it shares way too much with the stage. 

The same stuff that kills them in New Haven may lay an egg on Broadway, and you can easily substitute “Trenton” for that city and “The Convention” for that street. The national audience - even one made up of Republicans - may just not be willing to buy bromides about “politicians who care more about doing something and less about being something,” and “the people of New Jersey stepped up: they shared in the sacrifice,” from a governor whose job growth rate is only 45th best, and whose unemployment rate is not only at 9.8%, but is the farthest his state has been above the national average in 30 years.

Republicans like their nonsense. But even they have a hard time accepting it from a guy telling them “we believe that if we tell the people the truth, they will act bigger than the pettiness we see in Washington, DC,” while his own petty behavior - like referring to one colleague as “numbnuts” and suggesting the press “take a bat out” on another - is designed to hide the truth about New Jersey’s dismal economic performance. At a political convention, you don’t have to tell anybody the truth about anything. But you can’t reek of lies while you speak of honesty.

Again, it’s possible that coming out of the Republican Convention ranking on the speakers’ list well behind an empty chair and the guy showing significant symptoms of hallucinations may not be fatal to Governor Christie’s obvious ambitions for 2016 and beyond. As noted above, Bill Clinton survived the psychological equivalent of being showered with thrown alarm clocks. But it was an opportunity not just missed, but completely missed, and it was the biggest one Christie has yet been offered.

And though Clinton (and others) have returned, swinging and missing on these biggest of stages can indeed destroy not merely national hopes, but entire careers. The aforementioned Democratic Keynoters in 1996 and 2000 should provide sobering warnings to Christie that he may already be descending the mountain. The first was a rising star named Evan Bayh, who would shunt himself off on to a dull and seldom-traveled track and serve a dozen listless years in the Senate. The second was Harold Ford, who was supposed to be Barack Obama before anybody knew who Barack Obama was. He not only faded out of politics, but he slept-walked through three university teaching positions, and two television commentating contracts, and wound up at Merrill Lynch.

So, our Governor should consider Sen. Bayh and Rep. Ford and beware. This might’ve been his big break. And instead of taking his own advice by being a politician who cares “more about doing something and less about being something,” he did everything in his power to be safe and likable… and he was upstaged by an empty chair. 

By Olivia Nuzzi

(Image via MoreMonmouthMusings.net)

Originally published in the TriCityNews the week of August 13th, 2012

If you see something unusual in the skies above Monmouth County on August 14th, don’t worry it’s just failed Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell flying by. In one of the strangest events of the year, the witchcraft-dabbler (retired) is here to give her dubious support to Congressional candidate Anna Little. For just $250 for the “Patriot Ticket” or $2,500 to “Co-Host,” you can witness the magic first-hand. 

So far, there has been no indication that Little’s camp has an earthly clue what they are doing. From failing to register with the FEC on time, to keeping www.AnnaLittleForSenate.com up and running long after she decided to run for the House instead, to still advertising that Little’s opponent, Congressman Frank Pallone, has been in office for 22 years when it’s really 24 years, they don’t even appear to know when they’ve made a mistake. Now they don’t know they’ve made a new one. 

O’Donnell is a recidivist failure. In the span of five years, she attempted to gain office three times. First in 2006, where she ran in the Republican primary for Senate and finished third, and then ran in the general election as a write-in, seizing a whole 4 percent of the vote. Then in 2008, where as the Republican nominee, she lost by a 65% to 35% margin to incumbent and BFD Joe Biden. Then in 2010, where she again ran for Senate as the Republican nominee, this time losing to Democrat Chris Coons by a margin of 57% to 40%. 

O’Donnell also succeeded in becoming a national punchline. Thanks to footage supplied by Bill Maher, we learned that she “dabbled in witchcraft,” even dating believers, “one of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar,” but she “never joined a coven”… Right, because that would’ve been crazy. 

Christine attempted to calm the storm by releasing a campaign ad wherein she declared “I’m not a witch; I’m nothing you’ve heard. I’m you.” Apparently “you” consists of 40% of the voters in Delaware. 

And lest we forget, Ms. O’Donnell is also an advocate of abstinence who is vehemently anti-masturbation. Because if there’s one thing that’s sure to make kids keep their hands to themselves, it’s forbidding them to put their hands on themselves. 

All of this considered, Anna Little has sought to attach herself to Christine O’Donnell. Of course she has. 

Little’s campaign is so haphazardly run that one can only come to two conclusions: Ms. Little just doesn’t give a damn, or Ms. Little’s intentions are not what she claims.

Now more than ever, the Republican party is about forging celebrity. The fact that Donald Trump was taken seriously as a presidential candidate does not alone confirm this, but Mitt Romney standing with him to publicly accept his endorsement in Las Vegas sure as hell does. 

So when Anna Little says she’s a “Chris Christie Conservative” we can only assume that she means she’s more interested in her own brand than she is with the well-being of her party or the people she hopes to govern. 

Governor Christie has advertised himself as New Jersey’s leading man, strutting in to save the day with his “Jersey Comeback.” This narrative is, duh, completely devoid of facts. 

In the Garden State, taxes are up and everything else is down. Our unemployment is now 9.6%, 1.4% above the national average. We place 47th out of 50th in job growth. Our business climate ranks 41st in the nation. 55% of our highways are in poor or mediocre condition and 35% of our bridges are structurally deficient or functionally obsolete. With Governor Christie leading the way, New Jersey is falling apart in every way imaginable.

But Christie is a star! Just look at all those hits he has on Youtube that he talks about all the time! He’s on TMZ and everything! Reality doesn’t matter. His approval rating is still 55%. 

Just as Christie’s been a bogus Governor, Little was an increasingly bogus mayor. Under her watch, taxes in Highlands went up through increased fees and fines. This is likely because Little was  “constantly focused on how people should treat her and spent the majority of the time scolding people, rather than working with them,” says a GOP source. Not to mention, when Mayor Little first ran against Rep. Pallone in 2010, she “just stopped showing up to meetings.” 

Really though, who needs small town meetings when you have “Anna’s Army”? “Anna’s Army” is Ms. Little’s group of supporters - her “Little Monsters,” if you will. Comprised of Tea Partiers and, I’m guessing, a few fillers from Central Casting.

The party that loathes “Hollywood liberals” - yet has the distinction of being the only party to elect a movie star as president - measures success not by electoral performance, but by public face time. 

That’s why, four years after she cost John McCain the presidency, Sarah Palin is still trotted out by the GOP to campaign for candidates around the country. What matters is Palin’s still a star, even if the light she emits waxes and wanes. 

Anna Little is sticking to Christine O’Donnell for the same reason she stuck to Sharron “Doesn’t-Know-The-Difference-Between-Hispanic-And-Asian” Angle. O’Donnell, just like Palin and Christie and Trump (oh my!), is not just about the proverbial sizzle instead of the stake; she and they deliberately throw out the stake because it detracts from the sizzle: they’re all characters on SNL. Each one of them has a book deal. Trump even has his own line of ties and Palin is the subject of an entire sub genre of porn. 

The possibility that people will begin to question whether or not Little is a witch isn’t enough to stop Little from wanting to become Mini-O’Donnell. And if the “Anna Little is against masturbation” claims gain any traction, the next thing you’ll hear from her Congressional race is “I’m Frank Pallone and I approve this massage.” 

By Olivia Nuzzi

Originally posted on Saywhatnj.com

As if President “the private sector is fine” Obama wasn’t doing enough to help the Left-Wing self-destruct. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has extended himself to the cause by making liberals look like overbearing know-it-alls. 

This month, it was announced that Bloomberg (I) plans to ban sugary soft drinks larger than 16 ounces. Many say the decision screams “Nanny State” while others contend that this is just another example of the billionaire-mayor-with-a-Napoleon complex tossing his power around.

Bloomberg is not a liberal, though he does tend to stand on the left side of the aisle regarding social issues. However, healthful eating has, perplexingly, become a liberal cause. Liberals are quick to point out that our government subsidizes the wrong things: meat, dairy, soy, corn and sugar. Those ingredients make up the basis of the processed American diet, and that diet makes us fat, which makes us sick, which costs taxpayers money in almost every way imaginable, from healthcare to public transportation. 

It would seem contradictory for Republicans to be in favor of consuming - or at least having other people consume - products which exist because of or are promoted by the government. The USDA recommends that anyone over the age of 8 consume three cups of dairy products a day. The USDA sells you dairy with “Got Milk?” ads and by awarding substantial funding to milk researches who, coincidently, always tend to arrive at the conclusion that dairy is necessary for your general health. Never mind that humans are the only animal who drinks another animal’s milk and the only animal that drinks milk in adulthood. If there were any consistency in the Tea Party’s “logic”, Anna Little and Nikki Haley would be dumping milk into the Gulf of Mexico and shooting yogurt over the border with American Flag-emblazened cannons. 

Instead, when reports claimed that Pennsylvania’s State Board of Education was considering ways to limit sweets in classrooms, Sarah Palin stomped into town, dozens of cookies in hand. “I look at Pennsylvania, and I think of sweets - I think of Hershey. Then I think, how dare they ban sweets from school here,” said Palin. The half-term Alaska Governor went on to make her real point, “who should be deciding what I eat? Should it be government or should it be parents?” 

Indeed, what you do or do not put in your mouth (hey, I’m talking about nutrition here) is a personal decision that only you have control over. That’s why Republicans sound so much more sane on this issue than those who want to take away your enormous soda. For the GOP, the Soda Ban is the same issue as the incandescent light bulbs ban and Obama requiring citizens to purchase healthcare. 

Bloomberg’s decision has made it possible for the Right-Wing to herd people to the polls in November thinking that their vote is the only thing that stands between freedom and having Nancy Pelosi force-feed every American citizen steamed broccoli.

Liberals criticize Republicans for campaigning on small government while advocating policies which would control what we do in our bedrooms and who we let hang out in our uteruses. Liberals attacked former presidential prospect Rick Santorum for wanting to ban pornography. Liberals condemn anyone who is anti-marriage equality. So, if liberals don’t band together to denounce Bloomberg for his Soda Ban, we can add “hypocrites” right next to “can’t figure out how to orchestrate a protest” on the list of reasons why the Left Wing is it’s own worst enemy. 

We can start by loudly wondering if Bloomberg is an even more dedicated attention-whore than Governor Chris Christie, seeing as this Soda Ban isn’t actually going to do anything except garner him press. Even with the ban, dedicated New Yorkers are going to consume unhealthy portions of sugary drinks. My dog can problem solve when I ask her to roll over if she wants a treat, so I’m pretty sure people are going to realize that even if you’re not allowed to buy a soda the size of a six month old, you can still buy multiple sodas at a time and consume them if you feel so inclined.

We can then question why, if Bloomberg actually did want this action to do something other than get him trending on Twitter, he didn’t just place a substantial tax on soft drinks and bar the use of food stamps to purchase them. The Institute of Medicine says that sugary drinks are the largest contributor of added calories to the American diet, so they are a huge (har har) contributor to the obesity epidemic. Taxing soda would reduce obesity and all of it’s subsequent costs. 

Bloomberg’s Soda Ban is antithetical to his goal. When has banning something ever worked anyway? The last time I checked, Congressmen were still paying for sex and sex workers were still paying for coke (the other kind).

Perhaps someone should let Mr. Bloomberg know that Prohibition wasn’t exactly a roaring success. If he starts drinking heavily, he may stop trying to “help.”

By Olivia Nuzzi